Modern board games for the Seinfeld cast
What modern board games would Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer play?
I told you last week that I would be doing something a bit different, and I fully intended to make good on that promise. I’ve tossed this (and a few other simply ridiculous ideas) around in my head a lot over the last year, and I thought it was time to get to it.
I’ve imagined the TV series Seinfeld, but with modern games. Why, you may ask, have I done it? If I could answer you, I probably wouldn’t be writing a newsletter about board games and Seinfeld. But I cannot, so here I am.
Without further ado, modern board games for the Seinfeld cast.
Jerry Seinfeld — the character, not the person — needs games that have neat designs, clean layouts, and are easy to teach. If he’s going to be playing with a new person every week, he needs something that won’t scare away his dates.
We even know canonically that Jerry and Elaine play at least two games together: Battleship and Backgammon. We see Jerry play Scrabble with his mom. This is a man that loves games, and if the show was written today, I bet Jerry’s always pulling a game off the shelf.
Onitama is an easy-to-teach two-player game that draws inspiration and style from Chess, but it’s much simpler and more restricted. You have five pawns (one of which is bigger); each turn, you have just two options on cards for how you’ll move one of those pawns. When you finish your turn, you’ll replace the card you used with one between the two players, and you’ll place your card in the middle in its stead. Designed by Shimpei Sato.
boop. is a two-player abstract game with kittens and cats in which you’re trying to get three in a row. When you place a kitten, you’ll push every kitten adjacent (even diagonally!) one space, potentially knocking them off the board — and yes, that applies to your own pieces, too. Cats can push cats, likewise. If you get three kittens in a row, they’ll grow into three cats. If you get three cats in a row, you’ll win. Designed by Scott Brady.
Numbsters is a solitaire card game in which you’re moving numbers in a line around a monstrous mouth to eat them, with smaller numbers eating larger numbers. Why? Well, it’s like the saying goes. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9. Har har. Anyway, lovely little game to pass the time. Designed by Milan Zivkovic.
It’s a quicker, less brain-burning abstract, because, let’s face it, Jerry’s not spending his time on that. He’s got jokes to write — and, more importantly, cartoons to watch.
Elaine Benes loves a party, but I don’t think the usual party games are for her. We could easily see her taunting somebody after she has a particularly good turn, but I further don’t think deep, technical games are the trick, either. She doesn’t need games that have immediate payoffs, but she likes them. Of course, I can also readily see her trying to flex her creative muscles.
Codenames is a well-regarded near-classic at this point, and it has great potential for someone like Elaine. Giving a clue with four or five words associated with it? That’s the sort of celebration — or agony — we saw from Elaine week-in, week-out. Designed by Vlaada Chvátil.
Maybe it’s not fair for me to give all the word games to Elaine, but I do think she’d also enjoy Master Word, a cooperative word-guessing game. It’s a bit like a more complicated version of 20 Questions in the best of ways. Everyone’s guessing a word known by a player acting as the guide. Everyone else writes a potential clue on a little dry erase card, and the guide will evaluate those clues as a group, leaving a token for each clue that’s headed in the right direction. Designed by Gérald Cattiaux
Of course, Elaine loves things that are not quite so highfalutin, as much as she puts on that facade at times. Sometimes, she just wants to cut loose. Klask is the perfect game for Elaine. It’s a fast-paced, air-hockey-ish experience with a small wooden table, a magnetic striker for each player, and a puck you’ll try to zip around the board. It’s such a chaotic, frenzied time. Designed by Mikkel Bertelsen.
George Costanza is an odd one, but I think we all know what playing board games with him would be. First, he’s going to know all the rules — sometimes. And when he knows the rules, he’ll probably get them wrong. And he’ll fight you on them. Remember “the Moops”? Yeah, George is going to be a disaster to play games with, and it’s going to be hilarious if you’re not the one playing with him.
Brass Birmingham is George’s number one game because it’s the number one game on BoardGameGeek. It’s complicated. It’s long. Most people won’t try to play it with you, so when he makes up a lie about how the game functions and how many times he’s played it, he won’t get any argument. He’ll try to impress people with it. It won’t work, but he might think it does. Designed by Gavan Brown, Matt Tolman and Martin Wallace — but George probably says he did it.
Agricola was for some time a top-ranked game, and while it might feel a little long in the tooth now — at least compared to some of Uwe Rosenberg’s more recent designs — it’s still something George is always pushing to play. Does he really like it? Who knows, but does it really make a difference? Designed by Uwe Rosenberg.
But the game George really loves and want to plays is one he won’t admit for some reason: The Fuzzies. It’s not complicated, it’s soft, and it’s not going to make anyone think you love complicated, heavy games. For that reason, George is ashamed of it, but The Fuzzies — a bit like Jenga played with little balls of fluff — is a great game. Designed by Alex Hague, Justin Vickers and Wolfgang Warsch.
Cosmo Kramer famously plays the game of world domination against Newman, and we learn a lot about Kramer’s competitive spirit along the way. If he was around during this modern gaming renaissance, I can guarantee he’d be into it. I can practically hear him shouting, “it’s a modern gaming renaissance, Jerry!” — and I love it.
I can see Kramer constantly trying to get his friends to play Spirit Island with him, but I just don’t see the gang getting into cooperative games much at all. He’d be a thorn in their side constantly, but he thinks everyone could really do with some cooperation for once. Designed by R. Eric Reuss.
Risk isn’t a great game for two players, but War of the Ring? Yeah, baby. That’s tense, tight two player action. I think. I haven’t played it, if we’re being totally honest. (See, I’m no George.) But I do know it’s a heady tactical game with plenty of battle going on, and I could see Kramer getting deep into that. Designed by Roberto Di Meglio, Marco Maggi and Francesco Nepitello.
I’ve enjoyed my time playing A Feast for Odin, and as I write that, I’m starting to worry that this is me — that I’m the Kramer here. Ah, well. This is a Uwe Rosenberg worker placement game that has a wide array of options, and it combines some of his polyomino work into something altogether unique. Designed by Uwe Rosenberg.
The list for Kramer could go on and on, which does sort of reaffirm that I’ve self-inserted here, or we’re more alike than I’m comfortable admitting.
Well, here we are. I said I’d do it, and I locked myself into one of the weirder things I’ve written. Thank you, as always, for reading, and I hope you have a weekend filled with gaming, should you so desire one. Next week: This February, I’m focusing in on board games for two players.
Seeing the gang play Wavelength, and argue for a week about a clue, could be a B plot to an episode all its own.